Now that I can see…

I didn’t know I was racist until I knew. I didn’t know I was ignorant until I was confronted by my ignorance.

I grew up in a New Hampshire town of 30,000 people. We kissed the Massachusetts border and were a 45 min drive north of Boston. 

My mother worked at a nearby hospital that was positioned in what was known as the closest “ghetto” where minority groups made up most of the population.

I remember stories my mother would tell me about times she was in the elevator with gang members, tear drop tattoos etched on their faces. These gang members would come to the hospital seeking to “finish the job” of killing the person that made it to the hospital. Often times these victims would come in with the knife of the other gang member still with them and in those cases hospital staff were on high alert to watch out for the arrival of rival gang members seeking their property. 

I was told stories of this town, how dangerous it was and how I must always lock my doors and never drive though it with my windows down. I was informed of what needles are, what they were used for and to look out for them whenever I was walking or driving through that town. I was taught about prostitution, what to look for and to never give people money because it was usually to buy drugs with. 

I was subconsciously being taught to associate minority groups with gang violence, prostitution and drugs, all the while thinking “mommy knows best.” (NO to disrespect my mother here – please stick with me.)

As I grew older I grew more and more aware that the life that I thought was, wasn’t. I went to a high school that had maybe six Black students in the ENTIRE school. This high school was positioned to service my town of 30,000 as well as a neighboring town. Out of the two Black kids I knew that went to my school one was labeled “the trouble maker” and the other was a complete math genius who went onto study at MIT and get his MBA (at a different school). 

As you can see from above, I didn’t have much experience with minority groups and being that my town was made up of mostly middle-working-class families with some pockets of lower- socioeconomic class dispersed throughout the town; I wasn’t really exposed to poverty. I basically lived in a bubble for the majority of my life up until I was about 18-19 years-old. 

In college I found myself at a local community college that happened to have its campuses in the two surrounding “ghettos” (one of them being the one previously mentioned). It was in these towns that I began to be exposed more to what I didn’t know. I found myself in classes with people of all different ethnic groups and all different socioeconomic classes. I was invited into the homes of these people to eat with them, gather with them and learn from them about their way of life. This humbled me and helped me to see that the world wasn’t as small as I had once known. I started my student teaching in the same town of the hospital my mother worked at. I found myself face to face with the children who could one day become my mother’s patients or who very well could have been the children of those gang members she found herself in the elevator with. This did something within me, something life-changing. 

I remember doing my student teaching in a preschool class in this town, there was a set of twin boys in this class who were the most precious little ones! They were slightly behind developmentally and on their growth charts, I think they may have been preemies, but beyond this I soon found out they were most likely malnourished. One day these boys “disappeared” from my class and when they returned nearly two months later they returned in worse condition than when they left. They reeked, smelled homeless and seemed even thinner than before. This was my first introduction to being a mandated reporter but also to the reality of what circumstances in people’s lives contribute to the type of adult they may end up becoming. These boys were being “set up” to live in a cycle of poverty, to grow up in foster care, or being tossed around between family members. They were being set up to just scrape by in life – or worse, to steal and do whatever means necessary to survive. 

For the first time I saw the children behind the adult gang members that my mom and others like her feared so much. I saw the history and the cycle of hurt, fatherlessness, poverty, rejection, disenfranchisement etc that grew that man/woman into the person who those around me judged with such intensity.

I learned that it’s not as simple as “they need to all get jobs and get off welfare”, I learned that it’s not as simple as “it’s their choice and they’re not choosing to get out of this cycle”. It’s so much more complex than that!

Fast forward about seven years and I have since had the opportunity to travel the world, do missions work in three African countries, visit many other places and live in a few. Along this journey I met a young Black woman who wrecked my life and all I thought I knew. She challenged me to start educating myself and listening more to my friends that were of minority groups. This encounter with her left me crying in my car for hours, praying and asking God for His heart, His eyes and His understanding of racism in my own heart and the mindset behind it in our country. 

It’s been a long journey since that time and I can say confidently that I have not arrived but something I have found is that the “racist” is the person who is afraid of the unknown. He/she is the person who has chosen to not listen, to not seek understanding and instead has chosen to harden their heart and try to “lord-over” those whom they are actually, intimidated by. They are intimated by those whom perceive them to be the racist or one carrying racism in their hearts because it is these people that make them have to confront their true hearts in matters that they simply care not to for the sake of remaining comfortable. This is sad! I see this in people I know- these people make fun of and choose to say things about minority groups in such stupidity because their stupidity somehow gives them a sense of control and power – allowing them to avoid vulnerability and actually having to empathize with another human being. In my opinion this is the path of a coward- this, is disgraceful. 

I have found that in seeking relationships with my friends of minority groups that it has often times left me feeling exposed, ugly, ignorant, uncomfortable, and vulnerable but I choose to continue to seek understanding, to continue to ask questions, to continue to stay humble and most of all- super F.A.T. (flexible, adaptable, and teachable). I think overall, we as a nation have a spiritually bulimia type problem when in reality we need to be F.A.T. We, for the sake of our nation, for the sake of human-kind, need to remain flexible, adaptable, and teachable.  The only way to do this is to stay humble, to really chew on the understanding of our brothers and sisters of these minority groups,  and instead of spitting it out, we need to swallow it and let it nourish us from within despite the fact that it may be a “hard pill to swallow”.

To those of us that are Christians I beseech you to stay hopeful! The second we say “this will always be” is the second we have given authority and power over to hopelessness a.k.a. the Devil, the evil one, the adversary the one who seeks to: kill, steal and destroy the bond of unity between the children of God. Do I believe in a world where we can all live in peace and harmony? Yes, I actually do! I do because JESUS, the HOPE of GLORY, lives within ME and every other Believer of this Truth! I believe that we as Believers are called to walk in hope in ALL circumstances and in doing so invite the reality of Heaven to Earth wherever we find ourselves in life. If we do this, we can, and will change the World; I guarantee it. 

Many blessings to you!

❤️